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April 25th, 2010

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Things aren't as bad as I thought they were.

More than one woman spoke of how good we all were doing at the magazine, and how it went so smoothly cuz we all knew what we were doing. The editor above me told me how awesome my write ups were this month. That pretty much brightened my entire day. Funny, the things that make me really happy these days.

I feel alot better now, the anti-biotics worked. I don't know how to spell that fuckin word.

I saw kick ass tonight. Made me want to be youthful and resilient and with someone young and beautiful. I want a pair of crystal blue eyes to fall asleep to nightly until the day I die. And I don't fucking care.

I talk to jailbait every night and it feels good. Soon he will be nonexistent. Makes me really sad cuz he is fucking incredible. I'm sure he's laying it on thick, hoping I'm stupid enough to stay. While a tiny chunk of his life is destroyed. Either that or he is a helpless romantic.

I got another job. I've been writing a lot. Shit's going okay

April 22nd, 2010

Writer's Block: Too scary!!

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Was there something you were afraid of as a child that just seems silly to you now?


Star Wars.

That Furry mother fucker with the weird voice fucked with my head. Not Chubaka. The other one with the robe thingy that hung out with R2D2.

I have never experienced fear so intense in my life. I will never forget it.

April 19th, 2010

Mid day in the evening

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They say that someone will appear when you least expect it. But see the thing is, I am always expecting someone. I don't even know what I would do with an attachment right now. How do I become less selfish?

Rachel suggested I apply for public allies. Multicultural diversity and selflessness. Sounds good to me.

It feels good to be writing a little again.

Questions

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When is it okay to feel? Life is asking a thing or two of me these days. I'd like to say its asking alot, but is it?

I think I have a kidney infection. It'd been great if I had known that I'd had a UTI for however forever long I've had it. My back hurts. I didn't go to work today. I need that money. I hope I can pay my rent. I need to be able to pay my rent. I want someone to love and someone to love me.

I am quite under-developed when it comes to alot of things. I don't know any well-known authors that everyone looks up to. I don't watch television so I don't know what's going on currently. My vocabulary is still lacking. I think I might be fucking up on my internship. I give them everything that they ask for but I'm usually the last to contribute. I was 3 hours late twice last week. I drank two bottles of merlot and came in slightly drunk the next day. And then my pee was brown.

There are two papers that I owe my professor tomorrow. I have today and tomorrow to finish them. That will happen. In my 'The Writing Body' class, one of the options we had was to describe some of our sexual experiences in a short paragraph. About 20 of them. I gave 7 long paragraphs. I think they were too graphic. I know they were too graphic. Now my professor has a weird energy towards me. I hate my sexuality. Well now that I am in constant pain, luckily enough I have no sexuality.

I wanna cry but I don't know if I should. I want to feel. I want to know that its okay to feel. I don't ever want to be that person who is whining about their problems. I am so undereducated.

I don't know what I believe in anymore. The magic isn't working, but then again, I'm not really doing any. My fucking back hurts. would really love someone to spoon me and hold me like I matter. I hate my sexuality. I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. I feel like a failure. I can't drink this pain away because I'm on anitbiotics. I can't drink this pain away because the anti biotics aren't working. My kidneys will shrivel up and die. I knew this was coming. I didn't know it'd be in this form.

I didn't get the job at The Wit. Interesting. I feel like a failure. My mother's kidneys failed when she got sick. 5 years after she had me. I knew this was coming. I wanna go back to bed. And if I do, I will sink into nothing and I will be abandoning my life, reinforcing my failure tendencies.

April 14th, 2010

[continue]

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I have been indoors for a little over 24 hours now and I feel like I'm changing psychologically. I might be over analyzing myself, becoming too self-reliant, or self absorbed or introverted. I would really truly love to be alot more social in my life.

I feel like I say things to people that maybe pust them off, maybe I say things that are indications of how selfish I am. I've become conscious of it, I think. But then again I may be just over analyzing myself for fear of having one part of my personality outweigh the other producing an imbalance. Imbalance.

I dropped down to part time for my internship and kind of wish I hadn't. But its for the best, I suppose. I'm doing what I can really, I am confident that everything will be as it should. I have so much free time now its driving me mad. I've never gone this long without actually working. I refuse to remove the positivity from my outlook right now because I refuse to go crazy.Or to be unhappy.

Looking inside this much makes me feel like a wreck. well not really, I'm not feeling enough of anything to feel like a wreck, but if this continues...

April 11th, 2010

If you were 12 and could see yourself now, do you think you'd be happy or disappointed, and why?


I actually think that I would be kind of happy to see myself now. Everything about me is the same and has just evolved. I have always been this girl and I have learned and am still learning how to make the best out of what it is that I have.

I am happy with who I am physically, and I like my personality and the rounding developments of my personality that happen every now and again. I am beginning to do some of the things that I really love to do in a balanced, more beneficial way.

And I really like my hair. And the boobs I got aren't half bad either.

I am so self absorbed sometimes. I am really looking forward to the summer.
I am weirded out by the fact I am...in bed at 9:45am...have no dude whom I would get sick of within a week, but carrying conversation with an ex-heroin addict who's going to jail for 2 years. I knooow how to pick em. I'm starting a position today and I don't know how I'll like it. I need a new job. badddly.

i got invited by my roommate to go to a a cocktail party with business professionals in the journalism circuit in Chicago. I took a nap and woke up around time to leave, and i felt like daggers were fucking me. I love my life. I took a few ibuprophen i don't remember how many plus midol and i feel kinda pukey but that's about the only thing i feel right now so that's okay. I really needed to go to an event like this too. fml. I trust there will be many over the warm summer months. Or spring, cuz ben's leaving in summer. fuck. everything will happen in time. i'm shakey feeling.

my hair is getting pretty long. hurrah.

March 30th, 2010

Are there any movies you watch when you're feeling anxious or depressed? If so, what are they, and what about them calms you down and/or lifts your spirits?


Waking life does it. I don't have it, but I can imagine it would calm me during my odd, post menstrual states help remind me what this life is all about. I am really hating how restless I am.

yay vagina power

March 28th, 2010

Do you believe that a higher power controls our fate or that we choose our own destinies?


I am the god of my life and I control my destiny. I say what I want, I tell it like it is, I get it. Funny thing is, it's never quite how I expected. But I get everything I ask for. Well, because I ask for it.
Who, or what, is the greatest love of your life? Is it a person? Is it a creative pursuit, involving music, writing, cooking, or art? Is it a passion, like food, film, or travel? How has it shaped your life?


Writing. Its the only thing I have. Sex. Music. The presence and expression of other spiritualists. The way music feels when I'm receiving it while in a state of altered reality. That's about it. Everything else is obsolete. Sex is pretty obsolete but feels too good not to do...and love endlessly.
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